Are you constantly caught in the trap of people-pleasing, putting others' needs before your own? Do you find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety, fearing rejection and criticism? If so, you're not alone. Many women struggle with the overwhelming desire to seek approval and avoid conflict, often at the expense of their own well-being. In this blog post, we will go in-depth on people-pleasing and its connection to anxiety. We'll explore how anxiety therapy can provide support in breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is when someone always seeks approval and avoids disapproval from others. They put the needs, desires, and opinions of others before their own, often forgetting about their own boundaries, well-being, and true selves. People-pleasers stress about meeting everyone else's expectations, going to great lengths to make sure others are happy, even if it means ignoring their own wants and needs.
To keep things peaceful and avoid conflicts, people-pleasers do things like constantly seeking validation, never saying no to requests, hiding their real thoughts and feelings, and saying sorry a lot, even when it's not their fault. They often worry about being rejected, criticized, or getting into arguments, and their self-worth is closely tied to how others perceive them and accept them.
While people-pleasing can come from genuinely wanting to be kind and helpful, it can create problems. It can lead to long-term stress, feeling drained, and not finding personal fulfillment. It can also make relationships one-sided, where others start expecting the people-pleaser to always prioritize their needs over their own.
Am I a people pleaser?
To figure out if you're a people pleaser, take a moment to reflect on these questions:
Do you often go above and beyond to meet other people's expectations, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being and desires?
Are you frequently afraid of letting others down or making them upset, so you end up neglecting your own needs and wants?
Do you struggle to speak up and assert your boundaries because you're scared of rejection or conflict?
Is it hard for you to say no when someone asks for a favor, even if you're already overwhelmed or stretched too thin?
Do you constantly seek validation and approval from others to feel good about yourself or boost your self-worth?
Do you find yourself apologizing excessively, even when you're not at fault, just to keep others happy or avoid arguments?
Do you often feel responsible for the happiness and well-being of those around you, sometimes at the expense of your own happiness?
If you can relate to several of these behaviors, there's a chance you might have some people-pleasing tendencies. Remember, self-awareness is key here. Take some time to think about your motivations, needs, and recurring patterns of behavior to gain a better understanding of yourself. If you notice that people-pleasing behaviors are negatively impacting your life and well-being, it could be helpful to explore strategies for setting healthier boundaries and prioritizing your own needs.
Do People-Pleasers have anxiety?
As an anxiety therapist, I see many people pleasers also experience anxiety symptoms. The two often go hand in hand because constantly seeking approval and worrying about meeting others' expectations can create a lot of stress and pressure.
People pleasers are often motivated by a fear of being rejected, criticized, or getting into conflicts. They may worry about disappointing others or not being liked. These worries can keep them in a state of anxiety, always on edge and preoccupied with how they are seen by others.
Another reason why people pleasers often experience anxiety is because they tend to prioritize the needs of others above their own. They neglect their own well-being and don’t set boundaries, which can leave them emotionally drained and overwhelmed. This ongoing lack of prioritizing their own needs contributes to feelings of anxiety and can even lead to burnout. On top of that, the inner battle that people pleasers face can intensify their anxiety. They often find themselves caught in a constant battle between their own needs or opinions and being scared to disappoint others. The good news is there is help and anxiety therapy is one of those ways.
It's important to remember that not all people pleasers have anxiety, and not everyone with anxiety is a people pleaser. However, there is a strong connection between the two, and addressing people-pleasing behaviors can be a crucial step in managing and reducing anxiety symptoms.
What is the root cause of people-pleasing?
The root cause of people-pleasing behaviors can vary from person to person. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to why people learn to people-please. One possible reason for people pleasing is fear of rejection. Many people pleasers have wanted so badly to be liked and accepted by others. It can stem from earlier experiences where they learned that their worth came from what others thought of them. The fear of rejection can make a people pleaser go to great lengths to gain approval, even if it means ignoring their own needs. Another reason for people pleasing is a fear of criticism or conflict. People pleasers often avoid expressing their true opinions or setting boundaries because they worry someone else won’t like it or it could lead to conflict. They may have learned early on that conflict was uncomfortable or unsafe, leading them to try to keep the peace above expressing their true wishes. People-pleasing may also come from low self-esteem or lack of self-worth. When you don’t feel confident in your own value, you might seek approval from others to feel better about yourself.
Why am I constantly people-pleasing?
Feeling stuck in people-pleasing behaviors can feel hopeless. It may be hard to understand why you feel like you have to please other people. While the specific reasons behind your tendency to people please are unique to you, there are common reasons why people try to please others so much. One reason is a fear of rejection, where you want to be liked so badly and try to not make anyone upset or think of you negatively. You go above and beyond to gain approval from others. You may not feel good about yourself and struggle with your self-esteem so in order to combat these feelings you focus on making everyone else happy. It's important to consider early experiences that may be related to why you constantly people please, such as growing up when you learned to keep the peace or avoid backlash was to people-please. Going to anxiety therapy can help you explore deeper as to why you have learned to use people-pleasing, and why it’s hard to get out of it.
How does people-pleasing affect your mental health?
People-pleasing really takes a toll on your mental health, often causing more anxiety. It's all about constantly putting others' needs first and seeking their approval, which creates this ongoing sense of stress and pressure. The fear of letting others down and always relying on their validation can really mess with your head, leading to even more anxiety and self-doubt. Plus, when you keep neglecting your own well-being and hiding your true thoughts and feelings just to keep the peace, it can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, and emotionally all over the place. That's why reaching out to an anxiety therapist is so important. You can figure out the root causes of your people-pleasing behavior, and find better ways to cope. You deserve your own mental health to be prioritized.
What kind of trauma causes people-pleasing?
The kind of trauma that leads to people-pleasing can vary from person to person. Different experiences can contribute to learning to put others’ needs above your own. For example, traumatic events during childhood, like neglect or inconsistent parenting, can influence someone to develop people-pleasing behaviors. Emotional trauma, such as experiencing intense criticism or loss, can also play a role. Growing up in a home where your own thoughts and feelings weren’t seen as important can lead to wanting approval and validation from other people. We also live in a society that reiterates people pleasing. t's important to remember that people-pleasing can have many different reasons and sources. If you recognize people-pleasing tendencies in yourself and have experienced trauma, seeking therapy can help you understand and work through these experiences.
How do you overcome people-pleasing anxiety?
Overcoming people-pleasing is a process that involves self-reflection, self-compassion, and implementing new strategies. Here are some steps you can take to work towards overcoming people-pleasing:
Use Self-Awareness
Take time to recognize and acknowledge how people-pleasing has affected your life, relationships, and mental health. Self-awareness is the first step toward making a change.
Identify triggers and negative beliefs
Pay attention to places, situations, or people that tend to bring out your people-pleasing behaviors. Explore the beliefs and fears that drive your need for approval or fear of rejection.
Set clear boundaries
Establish boundaries to protect yourself and your relationships, and prioritize your own needs. Learn to say "no" when necessary and communicate your limits assertively but respectfully.
Practice Self-Care
Make self-care a priority in your life. Engage in activities that help you feel fulfilled and rejuvenated. Taking care of your own needs is essential for your overall well-being.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion plays an important role in overcoming people-pleasing. It means treating yourself with kindness and understanding as you navigate the process of change. By developing self-compassion you improve how your self-esteem.
Challenge negative thoughts
Challenge and reframe negative thoughts and beliefs that drive people-pleasing behaviors. Replace self-critical thoughts with more compassionate and empowering ones.
Practice assertive communication
Develop assertiveness skills to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully. Learn to communicate honestly even when you are afraid of conflict or disapproval.
Seek anxiety therapy
Consider reaching out to an anxiety therapist or anxiety counselor who can provide guidance and support on your journey to overcoming people-pleasing.
Anxiety Therapy in Utah can help with people-pleasing
Anxiety therapy or anxiety counseling can be incredibly helpful in working through people-pleasing tendencies, as well as coping with anxiety symptoms. In anxiety treatment, you work closely with an anxiety therapist to gain more of an understanding of why you people-please and what triggers this. Through this process, you can find better ways to cope, such as setting boundaries, being more assertive, and challenging negative thoughts. Anxiety therapy provides a safe space to explore your emotions and learn more about yourself. With the support and guidance of an anxiety therapist, you can gradually break free from people-pleasing and reduce anxiety.
Begin working with a therapist for anxiety in Utah
You don’t have to keep struggling with people-pleasing. You can work through it with the help of an anxiety therapist. This Utah Counseling Clinic has a therapist providing anxiety therapy that specializes in people-pleasing. To begin anxiety treatment follow the steps below:
Meet with an anxiety therapist
Break free of people-pleasing
About the Author
Ashlee Hunt, LCSW, is a highly experienced therapist who has been dedicated to helping individuals for ten years. Her passion lies in working with women who struggle with anxiety, providing them with the support and guidance they need to overcome their challenges. Ashlee holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Bachelor's degree in Family Life and Human Development from Southern Utah University in Cedar City. She further pursued her education and obtained a Master's degree in Social Work from Utah State University in Logan, Utah. With her extensive knowledge and compassionate approach, Ashlee is committed to empowering her clients to lead fulfilling and anxiety-free lives.